I am going to therapy tomorrow. I am going because I think it will be helpful. I am a much happier person than I feel like I have been acting lately, especially since my dad was diagnosed with his illness. I don’t have many expectations other than I expect myself to show up on time. I was almost not going to go because the past few days have been pretty good. But then today I dipped a little bit into that darker space. I think it was the sugar from the honey I had with my tea in the morning. Either way, for accountability sake I am going to go.
I’ve actually done therapy at different points in my life and found it helpful. It’s just hard to find a therapist who is the right “fit” for me. Well, maybe that’s not true. I only had one I didn’t like. She was an asian lady with a strong asian accent. Poor thing. I never went back and avoided her when she reached out. Hopefully that isn’t how tomorrow goes.
It’s weird when I think that you can either accept and love life fully or reject it and just be bitter. My dad chose the second approach – bitter and negative. There are days when I accept life and love it even though it’s harder emotionally because letting go of something you love hurts. Then there are days I’m at odds with the world and myself and feel almost comforted by the predictability of the negativity. It’s easy to predict a bad day… just be an a$$hole and the world reflects it back at you.
I am faced with the challenge of accepting and even embracing life, love and goodness while fully and painfully being aware of the finite-ness of it all. I think of the Dr. Seus quote – “Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.” I am sorry Dad but I have to break the chain of bitter negativity. I know you learned it from Grandpa and he learned it too. But F**** THAT SH*T. I’m going to therapy tomorrow to WHOOP NEGATIVITY’S A$$ so I can love harder and be ok with my losses.
-WORST LIFE COACH