Oh Man John, What Happened To You? -WORST LIFE COACH

I saw John today on my walk. I don’t know that his name is really John. But for this post, let’s call him John. You see, John was always a smart and good looking fellow. In college he was the most popular in his group of friends. John was always a bit shy around girls though. So when he met his future wife he was sprung right away. He had met… the one. John hadn’t really lived much when he met his wife. He had visited other countries only once or twice. I believe he visited Mexico once and Canada maybe twice. None of this mattered to him at the time. He was ready to give up everything to be with his love. They got married and John settled into a nice 9-5 job that paid him well. His wife ended up taking a high paying corporate job which eventually led to John quitting his desk job. This is what John’s life looks like now. To some people this photograph could look like heaven. To me… it looks like a death sentence to my manhood. Fight the good fight John. It’s never too late to fake your own death and start over somewhere overseas.

-WORST LIFE COACH

My Girlfriend Isn’t Happy With Me -WORST LIFE COACH

It’s ok. She just needs some space from me. I can get super negative sometimes. I ALMOST have a hold of my anger but not entirely. Sometimes I get snappy and it hurts her feelings. I try to be as tender with her as I can because she means the world to me. Sometimes I’m not so tender. I guess we are all just trying to figure things out. If I am honest, she is what keeps me together with pretty much everything. My work ethic is poor but I am really good with people apparently. Sometimes I wonder why my clients come back to see me but my girlfriend reminds me to shut the f*** up and don’t jinx it. She’s probably right.

My girlfriend is a big believer in energy. If you give off the right energy then good things will come to you. I never really believed that stuff until I met her. She pretty much flipped my world upside down and turned me into this winner dude. It’s weird to say that because I am NOT a winner dude. I just play the part based on the “image” that she created for me as a Life Coach. I guess life comes down to how you market yourself. Anyway, the point of what I am saying is that at my core I am actually lazy AF. I go back and forth between thinking I am awesome and then hating and wanting to destroy myself. Maybe that’s a bit dramatic but it feels like that sometimes.

My girlfriend just needs a break from my energy. I am a lot to deal with. I can be needy, negative and unhappy. What a bad mix! But, other days I can have great energy. She’s not with me because of my dark side. That’s a side of me I sure wish I could get rid of. I’ve been trying to listen to upbeat sort of Hawaiian style music. It kind of works. Holy f****. I have 9 clients tomorrow. I guess I better do as my girlfriend says and snap the f*** out of it. I am going to try but no promises.

-WORST LIFE COACH

TOO MANY LIFE COACHES ON WORDPRESS -WORST LIFE COACH

Finally my week is over. I worked with 32 clients this week. Holy $hit. I’m so tired. I had a blast and made some good cashola. I keep coming across people on WordPress who are advertising life coaching services. I mentioned this in a different post but I feel like talking about it again. The reality is that these people who are trying to start life coaching businesses on WordPress will not succeed. I would bet my house on it. Here’s why. All of them look like losers. To be a successful Life Coach you have to be a winner. You have to have a certain look. You have to know certain people.

You have to have a lot of luck. And lastly, you have to be a CON ARTIST… a good one. I look through these blogs written by Life Coaches and I can tell right away… these are nice people. Nice people can’t help you. They don’t know how to break the rules and get ahead in the creepiest ways. They only know how to play by the rules. I never play by the rules. I teach my clients how to NOT play by the rules and that is how they get ahead.

Anyway, these life coaches on WordPress will slowly dwindle away because they will not succeed on here. But, let’s watch them try. Let’s watch them spend their precious time trying to convince you that they can TRANSFORM your life. Really? But you have 25 followers on WordPress and even worse… you’re trying to get clients on f***ing WordPress.

-WORST LIFE COACH

I Really Don’t Care About Your F***ing Cat.  -WORST LIFE COACH

Can I tell you what one of my biggest pet peeves in my job is? It’s when I am doing a Skype coaching session and my client wants to show me their cat or dog. WTF? This is the most awkward thing in the world to me. I have to literally pretend like I give a sh*t about your f***ing pet. Lady, you are already having to pay me to give a sh*t about you. Why would I give a sh*t about your cat? And then, the worst part is that I have to make these sounds like… “awwww… how cute.” And then follow that up with some bullsh*t lie like… “You’re really mediocre colored looking cat that you got for free from a shelter is so freakin adorable.” I die inside a little bit each time this happens to me.

For some reason people don’t ever do this with their children during their coaching sessions. Thank GAWD. I would just hang up.

-WORST LIFE COACH

Who The F**** Are You? -WORST LIFE COACH

So, I woke up to this lovely comment this morning. It is important that I tell my readers that I have a couple of rules here on my blog. Here are those rules:

  1. Don’t be an a$$hole
  2. Don’t use profanity if the profanity is directed at me
  3. Don’t expect me to follow you back if you follow me
  4. Don’t think I will care if anything I write offends you
  5. Don’t be surprised if I write a post about you for being an a$$hole

*This List is Subject To Change At Any Time*

I’m So Glad I Don’t Have To Hear Your Crap Today -WORST LIFE COACH

It’s Saturday. Thank the heavens. I don’t have to listen to anyone complain about their life today. Yesterday I woke up to my bank calling me to let me know that someone used my credit card to buy $1,000 worth of something from somewhere I’ve never been. Thanks for that, whoever you are. I got my money back and went to the bank earlier to get a temporary card. It could have been worse. I’m not knocking my job as a Life Coach. I do like it. I love the fact that I get paid pretty well doing it. I love the fact that it’s super easy. In no way do I mean to disrespect the GAME. I am a bit superstitious and believe if I disrespect the GAME (Life Coaching Game) all of my clients will disappear and I will have to live in my parent’s basement again. That would suck, especially now that I have a girlfriend. She doesn’t even like my parents. I can understand why, kinda.

My girlfriend got her lashes and eyebrows done today. If you read my earlier post about my poverty mindset money problems then you know that it’s a big deal that I am not freaking out. Take it as it comes I keep telling myself. She reminded me of something yesterday. She said that I have more money saved and make more money than I have ever made in my life. All of this is true. And I’m super freakin cheap and scared of spending money. Weird.  Anyhow, today is a day where I don’t see any clients. It’s great. I can be myself. I don’t have to be this magician guy who convinces you that you are better than you are. Today, I can tell you the truth, you’re not that awesome. Be ok with that. It’s not so bad. I’m not that awesome either. I just fake it. You can fake it too.

-WORST LIFE COACH

I Have a Problem With Money – WORST LIFE COACH

I have a poverty mindset. I have more than enough money for my needs right now. In total I have about $**k in the bank. My monthly expenses are about $*k and I make about $*-*k from my coaching business. I get so stressed sometimes about spending money which I know it’s totally uncommon. My girlfriend is always getting on my case that I won’t spend like $15 on toilet bowl cleaner. We got into a fight over it the other night. It smells bad to her, I don’t smell it. I think it’s a waste, she’s pissed. You know how that goes. Anyway, I can afford $15. The truth is I have never had money before. I lived at home and mooched off my parents. That was awesome until I wanted to date. Girls don’t think it’s very cool when you tell them you live with your parents. And the one’s that think it’s cool are probably serial killers. Run.

My girlfriend gets upset that I’m cheap. She says it’s clinical and I should get help. I remind her that I am autistic and she says use that as an excuse. All of the above is probably true. There are moments when I don’t feel cheap. But that’s when I end up putting back a bunch of groceries right before I get to the check out. How embarrassing. I didn’t need the donuts anyway. So back to my money problems. I don’t really know where I am going with this. I guess it’s just me taking a moment to admit that this is something I need to work on. How do you even work on that? What would I tell my clients? I guess I would tell them that life is short. Spend that money. But only if it means that they can still afford their sessions with me. I might emphasize that they need to prioritize things that really add to them. Like this coaching session. It adds to you. That’s what I would say. None of that helps me with my money problems though. How depressing.

-Worst Life Coach

Pep Talks From My Girlfriend, “Don’t Be A F*@#$@ Loser!” -WORST LIFE COACH

“You better not be a f*ckin loser. You have to be a winner.” That is what my girlfriend told me during our daily pep talk today. Yea, she’s pretty tough on me. Here’s the reality of it. She is the reason why I am a somewhat successful Life Coach. She is why I am no longer living and working out of my parent’s basement. My girlfriend does more for me than I feel comfortable admitting. The problem is that, I’m kind of a loser at my core. I am lazy. I am motivated in spurts but then I tend to revert back to my usual “take it easy” self. Why did my girlfriend have this pep talk with me?

Well, we are going to ********* tomorrow and I realized that I don’t have any cannabis jolly ranchers. Cannabis jolly ranchers are the best! It’s a nice little quick and easy buzz that I can carry in my pocket. The problem is that my regular pot store was closed. So, I convinced her to accompany me to another pot store that I have never been too. Keep in mind, new environments freak me out because of my “self-identified autism.” It was a nervous, uncomfortable ride to say the least, especially when it came time to park.

The worst part was that the parking was in some back alley in a creepy neighborhood. I had her sit in the car while I went in. She didn’t like that part AT ALL. Keep in mind, my girlfriend is pretty classy. She dresses nice, looks good, has expensive taste and is world traveled. Me? I’m none of those things and I have a super crappy car. My car is such a piece of junk that I have to hide it when I do my coaching sessions because I don’t want my clients to see my ride. I don’t want them to see it because I talk big about how successful I am. I’ll write another post eventually about my crappy car and how I have been caught parked next to clients in the past. Yea, I haven’t seen those clients in a while.

Here’s the second worst part about this evening. They didn’t even have jolly ranchers and it was super crowded. All of this is what led to the pep talk.

-WORST LIFE COACH

WTF is ART THERAPY? What a CON!-WORST LIFE COACH

Seriously. WTF? Here is the definition according to google. Art therapy is a form of psychotherapy involving the encouragement of free self-expression through painting, drawing, or modeling, used as a remedial activity or an aid to diagnosis. This must be only for little kids. But, the more I look into it, it’s not. Do people actually pay for this? I think I am going to start a type of coaching called Art Coaching. We will do finger-painting, face-painting, picture drawing, and anything else that you can keep yourself occupied with while I collect a check. Actually, I shouldn’t be knocking this art therapy thing. I think I really will start doing Art Coaching. My Art Coaching courses will help you express yourself through your drawings and from that, you can live better and become more successful.

To be honest, I think people are still getting used to therapy in general and now you expect us to sign up for art therapy as a way to do what…? The other thing that baffles me is that you need a Masters degree to be an Art Therapist. In order to get a Masters, you need a Bachelors. So, we are talking about 6 years for you to tell me to express myself through drawing? Shouldn’t you have just become an art teacher? Wait, that would mean you have to actually teach “good” art skills. With Art Therapy, there is no good… it’s all about being creative and any expression is good expression! NOT. Well played therapists… well played.

-WORST LIFE COACH

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