I Was Dragged Into a Drag Show -WORST LIFE COACH

 

Um… So I went out tonight by myself. I like to do that from time to time. I really love to dance. My girlfriend says I look like a spazz when I dance but, I like it. Anyhow, there I was at this dance place that I go to sometimes. It was my third choice of the night. The other two places were even worse. Anyway, so there I was… dancing to some decent music and then all of a sudden this drag queen gets up on stage and announces that he? she? not sure… that they were going to be doing a show. What the f***?

At first I thought it was a crazy person. And then I realized that this was really happening. So this weirdo drag lady started dancing and singing while everyone on the dance floor stood confused. Then I realized there were a couple other drag people who were there and they would be performing too. This performance looked like basically… dancing and then rolling on the floor on the dance floor looking seductive. That’s what they did pretty much. It was f***ing awkward. I took some video to share with you guys.

As you can see in the video, there is a guy who pretty much looks as confused as I felt tonight. I zoomed in on him. Here’s the thing, I have NOTHING against drag queens or people that well… do weird sh*t. But I DO have something against any a$$hole who stops the party to act really f***ing awkward. Best of luck to you in your career drag lady dude. I am not sure how you will be defining success on your journey to stardom but either way I hope I never see your f***ing weird a$$ again.

-WORST LIFE COACH

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I’m Such a Swindler -WORST LIFE COACH

Seriously. I am such a swindler. Well, I wouldn’t say that I do anything illegal per say. That isn’t to say I haven’t done illegal things in the past. Who hasn’t right? No? Yea me either. Anyhow, let me tell you about my current swindle that my girlfriend isn’t too happy about. I discovered a loop hole in a popular online merchant that my girlfriend and I use. Which merchant? I can’t say. What is the loophole? I can’t tell you that either. But, I will tell you the result of the loophole. I do this little trick that basically results in me getting two of whatever I order. It’s worked so far for a pair of boxing gloves, some wireless headphones, a GOPRO video camera, and something else I can’t remember. Today I am working on getting a second massager that I ordered. It cost me more than $130 so it would be awesome to get a second one for free. Fingers crossed. My swindling ways are pretty awesome… I think at least. My girlfriend hates it because I am doing it on her account. But, I am not doing anything illegal, just creepy. The reality is that I am very good at finding loopholes in things. There is another loophole that I am playing with right now that results in me saving over $200 a month in online marketing for my life coaching business. It’s super awesome. I’m not sure why I decided to write about this tonight. I’m not sure why I do a lot of things.

-WORST LIFE COACH

I Was Diagnosed ADHD But I Think I’m Autistic -WORST LIFE COACH

When I was a kid, I was diagnosed with ADD – Attention Deficit Disorder WITHOUT the hyper part. Now a days I don’t think ADD is even used as a diagnosis. I think they pretty much diagnose everyone with ADHD. Anyhow, the doctors and my parents started giving me drugs. A lot of them. Why? I think it was because I was a f***ing a$$hole and they would give me pretty much anything if it would help me act better. And, legally if the drugs killed me it wouldn’t be my parent’s fault. Well, I survived the drugs. But, it wasn’t great to be diagnosed as ADD. Why you ask? Because, it’s the kind of diagnosis that if you tell someone they will say to you…. “Yeah, that diagnosis is bull sh*t and everyone has that. You’re just lazy.” Well sh*t…

Then why the f*** am I taking over 100mg of some medication that is pretty much a time released nugget of cocaine and you’re not? It’s just not cool in general to tell someone you are diagnosed with something no matter what it is. And then, it’s even more not cool when they basically tell you to f*** off and that you’re just a lazy piece of sh*t. My doctor told me that I don’t have as many neurons that fire or something. He said something about receptors too I think. I just remember that his couch was comfortable. It was black and made of leather. He also was really into road cycling. Ok, so back to my point. People like to say that ADD and ADHD are not real. You know why I think it’s real? Because I will always pay more in health insurance because I have the diagnosis. So it’s at least real to my bank account.

Let’s get back to the reason why I started this post. My girlfriend and I seem to think that maybe I am autistic rather than ADD. But, I have a feeling when I read this post back I will probably feel like I am both.

-WORST LIFE COACH

A Lying Teenage A$$hole Who Wanted Attention – WORST LIFE COACH

Well, it’s Friday morning at 1:08am. I have my longest day of coaching clients tomorrow. I think I have 9. That’s a long f***in day. It’s been a really good week so far. I think this week I am at 28 clients. I really could use a vacation and so could my girlfriend. So I have this one coaching client who is in his early teens. If I am honest, he is a little f***ing a$$hole. Let me tell you what he did. Well, let me start with how we met. His mom saw my ad on Google and thought I could help her son transcend LOSER-DOM. Well, here is what I found out when I started working with this little a$$. HE WAS SUICIDAL. WHAT THE F*CK. That is totally out of my scope of coaching practice. I do not deal with that kind of $h*t. I panicked.

I never had anyone who was suicidal before. The first thing I did was tell his Mom. The next thing I did was I went IMMEDIATELY to find a psychology practice in our area and referred his a$$. They ended up locking him up for like 4 days. Here’s what I think though. I don’t think he was really suicidal. Why do I think that? Well, I had a coaching session with his Mom and some of his family. He was laughing that they were all there. I asked him if he was happy that everyone came together to talk about him and he said “Yea… it’s cool.” I’m no shrink but I really think he put on this show for attention. Either way, I am glad he is gone. Please know that I do understand that suicide is no joke. But seriously, this kid was an a$$hole. I swear. I wish you were there. You’d agree.

-WORST LIFE COACH

Hiding My Crap Car From My Bentley Driving Client -WORST LIFE COACH

My week is over. What a long a$$ week. Here’s how my morning started. I pulled up to my coaching office in my cheap a$$ beat up car that has a crack in the passenger window. Guess who is parked right next to my regular parking space? My first client. Guess what kind of car he drives… a Bentley. Motherf****. So here I am… pulling up in this piece of crap car and looking at this client of mine who thinks I’m a total winner… guess what I did. I drove past him. And yes, he was sitting in his Bentley waiting for his appointment. So, I drove past his car and parked wayyyyy up the street. I parked about two blocks away behind a big truck and walked my a$$ back to my office to hide my shame. I was so embarrassed because I think he saw me drive past him and then he probably saw me walking from two blocks away before walking by his car up to my coaching office. Son of a b*tch. It was embarrassing mainly because my car does not match the image that I portray as a Life Coach. The coaching session was pretty awkward at first because the whole time I was thinking, “Ah sh*t the jig is up.” But, he didn’t seem to notice. But who really knows…

-WORST LIFE COACH

Stop Asking For Money Online, YOU’RE SO EMBARASSING -WORST LIFE COACH

You are so embarrassing. If you are standing on a street corner asking for money then I understand. But dude, you have a laptop AND the internet. You have resorted to ASKING FOR MONEY in exchange for you continuing to write about crap that nobody cares about? You’re joking. No, you’re not and that’s much worse. I saw a blog where some guy was asking for money to help him fix his teeth. What about, use the internet to help you get a job. Or maybe be creative and try starting an online business. Do what all the rest of the losers are doing and try starting a coaching business online. Remember, I don’t get or want clients from WordPress. All you coaches out there who are trying to market yourself as a Life Coach on WordPress… you are lost. You will not get clients here. Besides, why would anyone want to work with you because you are on WordPress and you say you are a Life Coach? Back to my point, Some of you are so embarrassing.

Again, I want to reiterate my point. You are asking AKA begging for money online but you have a computer and the internet. You literally have the ability to FIGURE SOMETHING ELSE OUT. The guy on the street corner DOESN’T HAVE THAT. Wow, sorry… It’s just so shocking that some of you are that lazy or clueless. The sad part, because of course there is a sad part, is that no matter how much success you have asking aka begging for money online, you will never make the kind of money that working would make you. So you are literally lowering the ceiling above your head as how far you can go in this life. Well, I guess the point is that there have to be people out there like you. I haven’t figured out why yet so I’ll have to get back to you on that. Truth is, eventually, you will give up. Even if it takes you 10 years to figure it out. Eventually, you’ll stop the madness and realize that asking for money online won’t lead you to “The Good Life.”

-WORST LIFE COACH

My Girlfriend Makes Me Crazy -WORST LIFE COACH

My girlfriend bugs the sh*t out of me but I love her more than I love myself. Here’s what bugs me the most lately. She often will start conversations with me from the other room. For example, she will start talking to me about who knows what… and I will have to yell to her and say… “HONEY! I CAN’T HEAR YOU!” She does this so often that I finally had to set a new rule in the house. The new rule is that she isn’t allowed to do that sh*t anymore because it makes me crazy.

I’ve had somewhat of a writer’s block since that one lady came by and attacked me for what I write about. I’ve gotten some pretty nice feedback from others on here basically reinforcing the idea of “F*** that lady.” I’ve written a few posts that I haven’t published mainly because they were a bit offensive more so than the norm. My girlfriend thinks that writing on here is healthy for me. I think it is too but I don’t like to force what I write about. I have a steady weeks of clients this week so I’m sure I will have something to write about. For now, this is all I have.

-WORST LIFE COACH

The Plumber PT 2 – #WORST LIFE COACH

The Plumber, My Autism, and Life in General #WORST LIFE COACH

I took a little break from writing. I needed some space. If you read my previous post about the plumber who fixed something and then that something broke in about a week after my 30 day warranty was up, well… he’s coming back today (supposedly). He ducked and dodged me for two weeks after he told me that he we would honor the warranty even though it was expired. I didn’t even ask him to honor it. He offered. And then started avoiding me that motherf******. I finally had enough. Well, my girlfriend did and then I did. We finally YELPED HIS A$$. He wouldn’t respond to my texts AND he had read receipts on so I knew that sob was reading what I wrote.

And then, we YELPED him and basically said that this mofo said he would honor something and is now ducking me. I also wrote that I wasn’t sure how the YELP review would end and that I would come back to update it. He literally texted me back within a few minutes of me posting my YELP. No one likes to be called out but this guy really is an a$$hole. Anyway, he’s supposed to come here today at 2pm. He just texted and said he was really sorry but he would be about 30 minutes late. It isn’t looking good for the update I might do on YELP. I swear, I am not one of those people who like to leave bad reviews. This guy deserves what he gets.

Today I woke up really autistic. I’m still working through it.

-WORST LIFE COACH

My PLUMBER Might Get F***ED UP -WORST LIFE COACH

A month ago I had a plumber come by to fix a leaky faucet in my bathtub. I put off having this repaired because of my self-diagnosed autism. I got into the habit of filling a bucket from the dripping water and then dumping it out on the lawn. My self-diagnosed autism even spilled out onto my girlfriend. She got into the habit of doing the same thing. This went on for about 5 months. Seriously. Then finally, we both had enough and I found a plumber on Yelp who would fix it for $95. He came, fixed it and left. He was a nice guy. I even gave him a Gatorade. When he left, he told me I had a 30 day warranty. I was so happy that he was able to fix it that I didn’t think much of it. I figured it wouldn’t be a problem.

Well, yesterday it started leaking again m****rf*****r. So my girlfriend and I thought of 100 different ways of how we were going to f*** him up on Yelp if he didn’t come back and fix it for free. I’ll say it this way… we got a bit GANGSTER. Even though we are out of the warranty period by about 2 weeks… we figured that we had him by the b*lls because he’s on Yelp. Yelp is the WORST idea for business owners. You can get messed up by some crazy lunatic such as myself. So after texting him, he replied right away. It’s the weekend so I was fine being patient. But man, I was definitely thinking about him a lot. It pretty much consumed my thinking and my girlfriend’s too. We were ready for a fight.

He texted back tonight and said that he would honor the warranty even though I was over the warranty by about two weeks. I feel better. It will really depend on what he tells me when he gets here. I still might f*** him up on Yelp. If he comes here and tells me that something else is really wrong and will cost me hundreds to fix… he’s f***ed. If he comes and says it was a faulty washer and that it can be fixed easily… he will be spared. The choice is yours m****rf*****r.

-WORST LIFE COACH

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