My Client & I Wore The SAME SHIRT and it was AWKWARD – WORST LIFE COACH

My client and I wore the same shirt today to his coaching session and it was awkward. Here is why. I pride myself in wearing inexpensive clothing that looks very expensive. I often boast of my wealth as if I am some self-made millionaire who really doesn’t have to have a coaching job to survive. Now my client knows that I wear the same $7.99 button up from that cheap store that everyone knows is specifically for CHEAP CLOTHES that look expensive. Nice. It’s not really that big of a deal.

I saw 8 clients today. I hear so much crap all day. And, it’s literally about other people’s problems, hopes & dreams, or whatever else they feel like stroking themselves about that day. I sound bitter. I’m not. At least I get paid while they do it. I was so tired during my client’s sessions today. On days like that I might give my client’s a clipboard with a sheet of paper and a pen, and then tell them to draw what they see in their future. Make it creative. Get lost in it. What does your dream life actually look like. Free flow it. Really get into it. This is a great way to take a little nap during their session. I’ve mastered keeping my eyes open, sleeping, and then waking up right before they look up from their assignment. I usually wait until they are really into it before I hit the snooze button.

Today when I got home I had a pretty “self-identified autistic” moment. My girlfriend wants lashes and eyebrow work. She deserves lashes and eyebrow work. I make enough to support this and still my “self-identified autism” got totally triggered. It’s just change that I hate. I hate sudden change. I like to control everything. When I couldn’t do that I freaked out and hurt her feelings. Poor girl. She does so much for me and I have this thing that makes me flip out uncontrollably over stupid things. I’m not going to give up on helping myself with this. I figure if I write about it there will come a day when I am not writing about it. That will be a good day.

-WORST LIFE COACH

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HOW DID I GET THIS JOB? – WORST LIFE COACH

Hi… So I am not entirely sure where this blog will go. I am not even sure that I will keep writing. I expect that I will start writing, lose interest and completely forget about all of it. That’s the norm. I have really bad ADHD sometimes and I just recently discovered that I might be autistic. My girlfriend says I am high functioning. I took the online test and found out that ya… I’m pretty much autistic.

So about the life coaching part. I am a life coach. I actually surprisingly have clients. No clue how the heck that happened. I have about 20 clients. Some weeks it might even be 30. I do pretty well but it’s just a weird job. I help people see things that are so common sense to me but they can’t see at all. It’s strange. But, it works.

I want to mention that this blog will never in any way be me trying to get you work with me. In fact, I don’t ever want you to know who I am. This blog is going to be about… the other side of the business. The side of the business where well, it’s not impossible to feel like a conman doing this job. And this is the place where I want to anonymously admit to those kinds of feelings.

Not long ago I was standing behind a clerk’s desk trying to help customers find parts to their broken crap. Maybe they had a microwave that had the glass trey inside break. They needed a replacement. AND it was my fault that it broke. Well, the company that I work for… it was the company’s fault but I was the one standing in front of them. I’m sure you know how that one goes.

Then one day, I had enough. I quit. I had just enough savings to buy me some time to think of something. Not a lot of time, but enough. I went to some cheapo school where I could basically get trained a little bit and then call myself a life coach. I set up a website, got my business license in order, and launched my shot in the dark business. My first office was in the downstairs room of my parents house. My parents were super cool about it. They pretty much left me alone. Their house is decently nice so clients didn’t seem to mind that my office was a residential one.

I won’t tell you where but I advertised myself on some websites online and started getting leads. My first lead/client was super freakin awkward. She was a model. Not a model that I would find attractive, but one who would think she was attractive to any man in front of her. Yeah, that’s awkward. I made my first $40 bucks. She came back for a couple months and well… I don’t think she got anything out of it if I’m honest. It was kind of weird for me too. BUT, proof of concept. I got a client!

After that, everything stopped. I got no clients for a long time. I was so extremely stressed. It was the worst. I took that stress and channeled it into more marketing. I found some lucrative ways to get clients online that ended up flooding me with more and more clients. In the course of about a year (maybe more) I was at 15 clients per week. I was making maybe $**** a month. I kept pushing the online marketing. I pushed and I pushed and I got lucky I guess. After another year I had doubled my income. It was weird. It was kind of like I found a niche that I was actually good at. BUT inside, it was all just a big performance, con, show… add your own synonyms here. Another year past and I ended up where I am now. I am nearing the **** a year mark. I don’t think I will make it this year but my girlfriend says to stay positive and stop living fearfully.

I have had a few months where I made $****. I’ve had some months where I made $****. Again, I was just a clerk. I do like my job but honestly… get this, I get paid to hear people talk at me. And then I tell them something encouraging and they go on their way. All I have to do is look nice and they come back. I am glad that they do but it’s such a strange job. AND it’s like I am supposed to have an answer for every question. I don’t mind that part. It plays into my ego/God complex I suppose.

Anyway, this was the rant for the evening. I’m sure there will be more. Or there might not be. Either way. Thanks for reading.

-Worst Life Coach

I Did A Coaching Session In A Language I DON’T EVEN SPEAK -WORST LIFE COACH

This actually happened. I was desperate at the time. This must have been a year ago during a really slow time. I’ll say it like this. One of my clients told me about a friend of theirs that really needed some life coaching. The problem was that he only spoke in one language and it wasn’t english. I am not sure why, or how… but I told my client that I could actually speak that language. Remember, I am a master at convincing people of anything so of course, my coaching client believed me. Fast forward, this new client came to my coaching office aka my parent’s downstairs area in their house.

It was a train wreck from the start. He came with his wife who spoke A LITTLE english. This was good and it was not good. I will say it was good because at least I had a translator. It wasn’t good because I was exposed… kind of, which made it even more awkward. I was able to play off A LOT that wow… I am more rusty at “this language” than I had realized. I basically had the wife translate the entire session. At the end, this couple got absolutely nothing but a drop in their bank account funds and probably an awkward and upsetting experience with a life coach in his parent’s basement.

To be honest, I don’t remember much more than that from this story. I just remember it was really freaking awful. I vowed to never say I could speak a language that I actually couldn’t speak. I guess I didn’t get the common sense memo on that one. But hey, I still got paid.

-WORST LIFE COACH

My Honest Review of a VERY POPULAR BLOGGER on WORDPRESS🤫 -WORST LIFE COACH

If you don’t know who *** is, she is a blogger with a large following on WordPress. She has about ****** following her. Very well done! She is a former anorexic or bulimic person who is now… well… let’s just say… creating a huge following for being a recovered anorexic or bulimic person. What a brand! To be honest, I was a bit turned off to see how much she is promoting her products. She promotes what she wears, a book, a journal, podcast versions of her blogs… always promoting. It actually kinda feels exploitive playing off of the ole poor me I was a victim… Can I say that?

BUT, power to you girly! I just got this really uncomfortable feeling when I was browsing her website. I only found her website because she gave me a random like on one of my posts. Now why would you like one of my posts? It felt like I got the like from her so I would notice her and then maybe add a +1 follower to that HUGE following that she already has. Is that how she got so many followers by fishing lonely and mentally unstable souls such as myself?

Here’s more… she is a self-proclaimed Christian and VIRGIN. I’m cool with the Christian part because politically I’m supposed to be. But the VIRGIN THING?… TMI dude. The worst part about her site in my honest and humble opinion that NOBODY asked for is that she has ways where you can donate money (you know, because you want to support the cause of former recovering people)… AND THEN YOU SEE HER TAKING PHOTOS ON HER TRIP TO SPAIN. WHAT THE F*CK? Did these suckers really just fund her trip to Spain and now she’s showing you photo evidence that you are a dumbass who funded her trip? WOW! Well played… well played indeed.

-WORST LIFE COACH

The Time I Couldn’t Shake My Client’s Hand… -WORST LIFE COACH

I am just going to jump right into this one. It was flu season… so maybe 6 or 7 months ago. My girlfriend and I were reading about how people were dying everywhere from the FLU virus. We were terrified because we are chickens. We started sanitizing everything… all the time. We got pretty obsessed. Every time I have a client come in I will shake hands. I read somewhere that shaking hands is a good practice in general. BUT… this isn’t the best idea during flu season for obvious reasons. I often will shake hands at the end of the session. It is my way of saying good bye and all of my clients know to expect this.

So one particular week, that was much different from all the others, I started telling my clients at the end of the session that I am ABSTAINING from shaking hands BECAUSE of the flu epidemic that is going on. Well, during one particular session with a long time client of mine, he tells me he is HIV+. Great… So as my anxiety was already high about having to shake hands to the point where I was NOT going to shake hands anymore, now I am stuck with this very interesting dilemma.

Do I not shake his hand and tell him the same thing I told all my previous clients? Or, do I shake his hand and NEVER tell him about the flu thing and let him be the ONLY person I shake hands with every single week because I don’t want him to be offended and think that I just stopped wanting to shake hands with him because he is HIV+. What do you think I did? Shook his hand right? I should have done that. I should have just shook his hand and let him be my special hand shake hiv+ client every week. I didn’t shake his hand and told him my flu story. I haven’t seen or heard from him since that day.

-Worst Life Coach

I Really Don’t Know What I’m Doing – WORST LIFE COACH

This is not a joke. If I am honest, when I am in session with my clients… I am just pretending. I am pretending to be this person that represents a “LIFE COACH.” What does that even mean? My clients assume that I know more than they do about EVERYTHING. That’s so stupid. I have little to no education. I just know how to smile and nod and ask open ended questions. Let me add that to the ability to tell you positive things about yourself and get you to feel encouraged. That’s all I do. I look at you, smile and nod… sometimes frown… and then tell you that you can do it because you are special. You have something inside of you that very few people have. And trust me, I know this because I have a ton of clients and out of every one of them, you are special. That’s just not true. It’s just what I will tell you.

HOW FREAKIN WEIRD. And then you pay me, feel better, and then tell your friends. Sometimes I am so tired in there that I will reach up to adjust my glasses and yawn behind my hand. My clients get so caught up in themselves and just talking that it’s like I don’t even need to be there. And then when they do look at me, I look deep into their eyes and let them know with my micro expressions that not only am I listening to them, I truly care about them. I hope this doesn’t make me sound like a mean person. I am just describing the nature of what it means to be a life coach. It’s so easy.

I am learning to be ok with the job. I don’t even think about it really. I just sit, nod, and read expressions and mimic body language. I know that if a person crosses their leg, I need to cross my leg even just for a moment just to mirror their posture. They feel more comfortable. I never thought I would be a life coach. I wanted to be a musician. The problem is that I have no musical talent. So that fell apart, badly. I really can’t complain about my job. It’s just weird to put into perspective what I am really doing in my sessions.

-Worst Life Coach

Why Does Everyone Want To Be A LIFE COACH?? -WORST LIFE COACH

It’s so weird. I see so many life coaches on WordPress. And it seems like they are actually trying to do business on here. If this is you, don’t quit your day job. I was pretty lucky with life coaching. I fell into a niche and that niche is that I am masterful with people. And even still, it can all come crumbling down and I’ll be left with nothing but this blog of me talking big. The reality is that I know nothing about anything. I don’t even read. I actually hate reading. I can write but even that… I am just writing now and then I will get bored and start playing video games again. I guess if you’re looking for something where you can inspire others than life coaching is your gig. But, the problem is that most of you are very unlikable. Sorry, that’s a bit harsh.

But it’s true. And you don’t even know it. The worst part of this is that it isn’t something you can actually change. I’m not trying to be offensive I am trying to be honest. You have to have a certain look. Your cadence in how you talk has to be a certain rhythm. You have to have the ability to sing to them with your words and your timing of the words you deliver must be placed more masterfully than the brush of DaVinci. You have to look good and know what colors look good on you. Most of you will never get this. It’s not necessarily a bad thing, it’s just something you need to accept. People will NOT come flocking to you. That’s just crazy to think.

People come to me because I am attractive. Let’s face it, looks matter. And it’s absolutely ridiculously stupid. I don’t even think I’m attractive but my girlfriend tells me that I am. It’s not attractive as in, oh you’re so hot… It’s attractive like… you have that “look” that fits the role. If I want to bet on a horse that’s in a race I am going to expect a short little dude riding it not a football player from the NFL. I don’t mean to deter you from coming into the BIZ. Trust me, you all are very entertaining to me. Just please, don’t embarrass yourself by making really silly videos that nobody watches. It just looks desperate and bad. If you really want to help people, find a psychology program. That’s what I would have done. At least they are actually trained. I didn’t get ANY training. Ignorance is bliss I guess. Do what you do.

-Worst Life Coach

I Think My Client is a PSYCHOPATH… -WORST LIFE COACH

Last week when I walking to my coaching room with my client, the hairs on the back of my neck stood up as he walked behind me. His mannerisms are, odd. He stares at me during his coaching sessions and it is totally creepy. He pays me a lot of money to sit with him every week. We work on things like, me teaching him how he should look when a person says something sad to him. For example, I will tell him, if everyone around you is laughing then what facial response would you show. He will respond with… a confused face. I will have to show him what it is supposed to look like and he will practice. Why doesn’t he get this stuff. I started researching about psychopaths and sociopaths. I stopped researching it after reading one or two things. He pays me well. I’m a gambler. Let’s roll the dice. If he kills me, at least I can say I saw it coming. You are my witness. Thanks for being there.

This client reminds me of another client I had one session with. He told me that he was a rapper and the lyrics he rapped about were real, specifically the drugs and killing people part. I went home and told my girlfriend with an excited expression on my face. “Honey! I’m working with a rapper who has KILLED PEOPLE!!” I was so excited. My girlfriend was pissed and gave me the WTF is wrong with you look. I see that one a lot. She said I can’t work with him because he could be dangerous. In that moment, I got it. When he called the next time I told him that something had come up and I needed to travel very far away for a very long time. I said it more savvily though.

I keep trying to decide whether or not I want to keep writing on this blog. I like it. It’s just a bit too honest. Maybe that’s good.

-WORST LIFE COACH

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